A new policy, announced today by Taoiseach Micheál Martin, states that the Irish Government will attempt to solve the housing crisis through a new four step plan, known as ‘NOWT.’
The new process, NOWT, which stands for Neglect, Overlook, Withhold Attention and Tune Out, aims to address the current property deficit in the country.
Targets Missed Before They Even Start
According to a report by stockbroker Davy, prior to the 2024 General Election, Ireland needs to build at least 93,000 homes a year until 2031 to satisfy the current need. Initial figures released by the Department of Housing say that NOWT will fall 93,000 short of this figure in 2025 and 2026.
Martin Channels His Inner Haughey
When asked by TheCollegeView in a press conference outside Leinster House, Martin told TheCollegeView that NOWT was inspired by former Taoiseach Charles Haughey’s “inspirational ability to ensure all aspects of policy were accounted for, and all areas of Government were above board.”
Haughey used a similar plan during his tenure as Taoiseach, which lasted four governments, known as “VICE”. Haughey was a huge advocate of VICE, a scheme used to stop all corruption within Irish planning authorities. VICE is an abbreviation for ‘Villany, Injustice, Corruption and Exploitation.’
James Browne or James Brown? Government Still Unsure
Current Minister of Housing, James Browne also spoke to TheCollegeView, stating that after the release of NOWT, he “feels good, like I knew that I would.” Browne, the main creator of NOWT, has been working on the plan since he was elected in a recent year— that no one really knows, because he hasn’t done much anyways.
Tánaiste Promises More Podcasts, Less Progress
“Housing in this country is a massive problem,” said Tánaiste, Simon Harris, after thanking us for our question. “Myself and my team will be working extensively towards more podcasts, less responsibility, and almost anything that doesn’t involve a health related scandal, in line with NOWT’s new initiatives,” he followed.
Tax Breaks and Tea Bags
Included in NOWT’s new initiatives, is a tax break for McDonald’s, based on the number of apartments they put up to let within a period of six months, as well as a 2.5 per cent increase in carbon tax. The Government will use defensive strategies when in negotiation with property developers to secure less productive periods, such as free tea bags for all builders.
Presently, it is not confirmed whether the tea bags provided are Lyons or Barry’s.
Opposition Blames Everyone Else, Again
Presidential candidate Heather Humphreys was asked about Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael’s announcement during her campaign today, to which she responded by blaming Catherine Connolly. Withdrawn candidate Jim Gavin was not in a position to comment, as he has not been seen outside in a week.
Coming Soon..
A source close to TheCollegeView has confirmed that a similar plan, known as SWEETFA, is expected to be launched in response to the current length of public healthcare waiting lists. Details are scarce, but insiders suggest that it’ll be just as effective as previous government initiatives.
Government Unveils Bold New Plan to Do Absolutely Nothing
A new policy, announced today by Taoiseach Micheál Martin, states that the Irish Government will attempt to solve the housing crisis through a new four step plan, known as ‘NOWT.’
The new process, NOWT, which stands for Neglect, Overlook, Withhold Attention and Tune Out, aims to address the current property deficit in the country.
Targets Missed Before They Even Start
According to a report by stockbroker Davy, prior to the 2024 General Election, Ireland needs to build at least 93,000 homes a year until 2031 to satisfy the current need. Initial figures released by the Department of Housing say that NOWT will fall 93,000 short of this figure in 2025 and 2026.
Martin Channels His Inner Haughey
When asked by TheCollegeView in a press conference outside Leinster House, Martin told TheCollegeView that NOWT was inspired by former Taoiseach Charles Haughey’s “inspirational ability to ensure all aspects of policy were accounted for, and all areas of Government were above board.”
Haughey used a similar plan during his tenure as Taoiseach, which lasted four governments, known as “VICE”. Haughey was a huge advocate of VICE, a scheme used to stop all corruption within Irish planning authorities. VICE is an abbreviation for ‘Villany, Injustice, Corruption and Exploitation.’
James Browne or James Brown? Government Still Unsure
Current Minister of Housing, James Browne also spoke to TheCollegeView, stating that after the release of NOWT, he “feels good, like I knew that I would.” Browne, the main creator of NOWT, has been working on the plan since he was elected in a recent year— that no one really knows, because he hasn’t done much anyways.
Tánaiste Promises More Podcasts, Less Progress
“Housing in this country is a massive problem,” said Tánaiste, Simon Harris, after thanking us for our question. “Myself and my team will be working extensively towards more podcasts, less responsibility, and almost anything that doesn’t involve a health related scandal, in line with NOWT’s new initiatives,” he followed.
Tax Breaks and Tea Bags
Included in NOWT’s new initiatives, is a tax break for McDonald’s, based on the number of apartments they put up to let within a period of six months, as well as a 2.5 per cent increase in carbon tax. The Government will use defensive strategies when in negotiation with property developers to secure less productive periods, such as free tea bags for all builders.
Presently, it is not confirmed whether the tea bags provided are Lyons or Barry’s.
Opposition Blames Everyone Else, Again
Presidential candidate Heather Humphreys was asked about Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael’s announcement during her campaign today, to which she responded by blaming Catherine Connolly. Withdrawn candidate Jim Gavin was not in a position to comment, as he has not been seen outside in a week.
Coming Soon..
A source close to TheCollegeView has confirmed that a similar plan, known as SWEETFA, is expected to be launched in response to the current length of public healthcare waiting lists. Details are scarce, but insiders suggest that it’ll be just as effective as previous government initiatives.
