Catherine Connolly – A plate of fish fingers and chips eaten rather quickly, so that she can get back outside to the 5-a-side. Over dinner, she excitedly expressed how—with her new trainers—she was basically “unbeatable” unless she was put in goals. “Oftentimes, I do find myself having to defend what is right and what is best for the team at large,” she said in between bites of oven chips and sips of Mi Wadi cordial. A great meal. I can see her hosting many more.
Heather Humphreys – A stew boil, which she cooks using her famous party trick of listening. Her husband seems only interested in oranges for some reason. When she noticed I was writing down the things she was saying, which were in their own way true, she began to go on the attack, in front of the other people at the table, which I didn’t necessarily appreciate, but then again, it’s not like she had anything to lose by doing it. Sure, a right turn was unexpected, but she was such a lovely person when we first sat down, and to see her turn into that was as surprising as it was disappointing.
Jim Gavin – The finest caviar in Roly’s—which he then left me to pick up the tab on.
Conor McGregor – I came over to sit with him, he perceived it as an attack, and head-butted me for no reason.
Bertie Ahern – A dinner and a pint in Fagan’s that he won on a horse (or at least he would have you believe) and used a credit card (that when he reached into his pocket, he was bewildered at the sight of, claiming “I didn’t think I had one of these, that is bizarre.”)
Michael D Higgins – Ah, auld Micky, what’s there to truly say. A lovely and pleasant meal, perpetuated by calm worldly musings and stories of his walk that morning with his dog. A wonderful man—even if his time was brief (only reaching the tiny number of fourteen years). I’m sure he appreciated his time as much as we did.
Thus, as the nation winds toward another day full of checking what time the voting hall—which is really a school gymnasium—closes at, and fishing out your voter card under all the mail that is now stacked up beside the radiator in a hazardous manner, I implore the people reading this to go out and cast a vote for someone, literally anyone. Your voice matters now as much as it did in the last election, where they made an effort to get young voters out.
So g’wan: cast the die, disagree with your parents’ choice, have a long and healthy discussion over the fact that although you may differ in terms of political opinion and views, you are, in truth, still a family, and that is the main thing. But most importantly, vote before they figure out that AI can decide these things a lot better than some of the people who spoil their ballots and try to be funny by writing “Me” with a number one next to it.
*none of these meetings ever occurred; this is purely satirical in nature*
