Are the people in your life stupid? Do they ‘not really care about politics because it’s all too
complicated anyway’? Well tell ‘em to make like a bakery truck and haul buns…. to the
Gaiety theatre! Soon to debut a highly-anticipated musical production detailing the evocative,
tense and endlessly beautiful tale of one man’s journey to form a government after earning
just 27% of the vote count.
This “shambles of a production” (New York Times but don’t ask why they’re commenting)
follows the tale of a charming young outgoing Tánaiste by the name of Meatball Martin, as
he sets out on a journey to find his dream team to an opening number of “I got the Power”
(yes the B&Q ad music).
After a lonesome solo journey across the Dáil chamber looking for mates, Meatball runs into
a rather nasally sounding Simon Harr-is-likely-lying, who by chance is also looking to form a
government! The pair quickly realise their joint potential as they perform a hand-held duet of
“Love is an Open Door… To Government Formation Talks”.
But will teamwork make the dreamwork when the dynamic duo come up against the feared
Wicked Witch of Dublin Central? Why it’s none other than Mary Lou McDonald, who enters
the show backed up by her gang of sheepish subordinates (Ivana Bacik, Holly Cairns,
Roderick O’Gorman and Richard Boyd Barrett). Aontú’s Peader Tóibín is also knocking
about on stage somewhere during all of this but honestly who cares? The boys cower in fear
as the so-called ‘Opposition Club’ break into an “abominably out of rhythm” (Sunday Times)
hip-hop style rendition of “Fight The Power”, all donning chains and backward caps of
course.
Rejected from the cool kids corner, Meatball and Simon retreat from the Dáil fearing that all
hope is lost, until by a miracle, they hear whispers as they cross a bridge on the outskirts of
the city. Emerging from under the arch enters a mysterious Michael Lowry, who makes the
pair an offer they literally can not afford to refuse. The audience learn of Lowry’s reasonable
demands in his funky singing of High School Musical’s “I Want It All”, during which we
also meet his cohort of merry misfits, the ‘Regional Independents’. Critics observe that
Lowry’s singing carries “so very poorly” (The Guardian) that it almost sounds as though he’s
singing from both sides of the house – how interesting!
Now equipped with a band of his own, Meatball marches back into Leinster House with his
outcast crew, gearing up for the show’s climactic battle to end the turf war of the rival gangs.
However the fight for the right to govern quickly becomes the ‘Fight for the Right to Party’, a
song well-matched to the scene as the cast break into an epic dance off. Viewers will find
themselves rapturously applauding Meatball’s team as they bust moves so good that Mary
Lou’s Opposition are left with no choice but to surrender.
Relegated once again to the familiar position of gracious loser, we inevitably can’t help but
warm up to Ms. McDonald, as she showcases her sadness in a “surprisingly emotional”
(Daily Mail) solo of “Mad World” (“all around me are familiar faces”). And so it is that
Meatball and Mary Lou make amends, realising that ultimately they’ll both be served up tasty
government salaries anyway. A happy ending for all involved!
Will the not-so-new Taoiseach Meatball cast off aspersions that he couldn’t run a bath,
nevermind a nation? Or will the heat be too hot in the Kildare Street kitchen? Well if the
entire cast’s “notably hopeless” (Variety Magazine) closing performance of “Tragedy” is
anything to go by, one wouldn’t be blamed for feeling slightly pessimistic for the years to
come.
Tickets for Les Incompétents are expected to go on sale on the night that the new Children’s
Hospital opens, so don’t hold your breath on finding out any time soon. Entry is €336,000 at
the gate, with all proceeds going to the Office of Public Works in a comically large brown
envelope. Those interested in seeing the show are advised to make haste in purchasing, as
vulture funds are expected to buy out the first few nights in the early bird pre-sales.
