Simon’s Student Housing Shambles

Satire Editor Ailish Connor

Credits: ABC27

On the 14th November, Taoiseach Simon Harris showcased his ‘new energy’ on our very own DCU Glasnevin Campus, and arrived with a solid proposition for student housing.

Harris – former Minister for Higher Education and two-time college drop-out – assured the students of DCU that Fine Gael would have their back in the upcoming election with his comforting answers on Irish youths’ concerns. 

When questioned, “What are you doing for students?”, Harris responded with the holy trinity: Abolishing student fees, creating more grants, and lowering the cost of accommodation.

For the first time, the Taoiseach has finally released his plans for student housing. Harris assured the students of DCU that all Fine Gael TDs who rent property (all 9, at the time of writing this article) will be putting a room from their rental property into a lotto-draw as a solution for the shortage of student housing. To maximise their generosity, Harris clarified that every single room will aim to hold three students all for the low, low price of €995 per student, per month. 

This proposal came as a relief to the students who had gathered around; an absolute steal! Keeping in mind that Dublin has the highest rates for renting one-bedroom and two-bedroom apartments in the EU, the Taoiseach’s consideration for students is unmatched.

This scheme will see nationwide effects as these rental properties have been recorded in other student hot-spots such as Cork and Mayo. 

Fine Gael’s radical suggestion ignited a call for action as the Taoiseach encouraged Fianna Fáil to follow suit and utilise their 12 property renting party members for the betterment of student life.