Hopelessly Devoted to Olivia

“Eve, Grease is on Film4, turn it on quick!” is a text I regularly get whenever the classic musical is on television. “Oh so you like Grease?” I hear you say. No. I don’t like Grease. I love it, in an obsessive, creepy, super-fan way. I know that Olivia was sewn into those famous black pants, that the sleepover scene in which the lyrics ‘Elvis, let me be, keep that pelvis far from me’ are sung was filmed the day Presley died and that Jeff Conaway, who played Kenickie, married Olivia’s sister, Rona Newton-John.

I’m renowned for my passion for everything Grease related, particularly regarding the leading lady Olivia Newton-John. At sixty-four years of age, my friends often joke that I should try to meet her before she dies, a joke I see no humour in. I will fight any man, woman or child who dares question her excellence. For me she is the ideal superstar, incredibly talented yet grounded and kind to her fans. The title track of her 1980s flop movie, Xanadu, has been my ringtone since 2007 and shall remain so as long as I possess a mobile telephonic device.

Whenever I hear she’ll appear on telly, I organise Olivia parties and get excited in the days coming up to that television appearance. I cried tears of joy when she made a cameo in Glee, playing herself and performing her hit “Physical” alongside Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch). Meanwhile my phone was buzzing off the couch with messages from my friends who had caught her episode. I’ve seen dozens of her interviews on YouTube and pride myself in knowing the lyrics to over fifty of her songs.

One night as I was casually creeping around Twitter, I saw that Olivia was a trending topic. My heart sank and my eyes welled up: when celebrities over fifty trend it usually means they’ve died. I frantically searched the internet, and checked the fan page on Facebook. To my great relief I discovered that she was in fact still alive and ready to get physical (LOLOLOL).

Besides being a star of stage and screen, Olivia has contributed to countless charities and even founded her own breast cancer awareness initiative, The Liv Campaign, raising a near $200 million to fund the first combined cancer and wellness centre in the world in Melbourne, Australia. She constantly promotes the idea of early detection and has released CDs to raise money for her charity. She makes our ears happy, warms our hearts and saves our boobies – an all round legend.

This Christmas Olivia will reunite with her onscreen love, John Travolta, as they release an album of Christmas songs with all proceeds going to charity. I already have the picture from their press release as my cover photo on Facebook, which is proper order when you’re a first class weirdo. I’ve recently made a purchase of disco pants, paying homage to Queen Livvy. I have since discovered that it is impossible to be sad in shiny disco pants.

I have yet to meet my idol, but until then I shall remain a hopelessly devoted fan…

Eve Kerton

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