After killing 198 baddies, dodging 4.662 bullets, and bedding 46 women, James Bond is no stranger to adversity. From the iconic to the ridiculous, it seems that there’s always someone else around the corner ready to act the bollocks.
Setting a precedent for all future spy films and spoofs alike, every good Bond villain possesses a charisma and a charm which cements the franchise’s position as the ultimate adventure series – a true battle of good and evil. Auric Goldfinger, Blofeld, Emilio Largo, all deliciously dastardly characters hell-bent on wreaking havoc and generally being bad.
So, should you ever feel the urge to ditch the college work and make your way in the world as a Bond villain, you’ll need to remember a few things.
1) Physical disability is cool.
Anything goes here. Missing an eye, walk with a limp, metal hands, gammy face, it’s all good. Of course, actual everyday disabilities like blindness/deafness/wheelchair use ain’t so cool, so leave them at the door.
2) The more ridiculous the plan, the better.
Bank robbers rarely feature in Bond films, so push the boat out. Take inspiration from those who’ve gone before. Blofeld plotted to render the testicles of livestock across the world useless to destroy the beef market, so think outside the box.
3) Exotic pets are a must.
Goldfish, ponies, dogs and rabbits are a no-no (though riding into your hollowed-out volcano on a piebald would be pretty bad-ASS). Think sharks, snakes, lizards…anything that can bite your face off is good.
4) Plan your exit.
Having followed a life of crime, it’s pretty inevitable that you’re going to come to a sticky end. Dr. Kananga was inflated until he burst in Live and Let Die. Gustav Graves was sucked into a plane turbine. Blofeld met his end at the bottom of an industrial chimney. Think ahead; fill your lair with lots of spiked objects, radioactive water, high platforms and man-eating fish. You’re bound to go out with a bang!
5) Organise!
Your evil plan is bound to go off a lot smoother if you have the backing of a shady crime organisation, usually based in a high-ceilinged room with a huge board-meeting table. It’s best to fill your organisation with a host of undesirable, possibly lesbian women, and a gang of mute Oriental butlers. The most important thing is the name. Of course the DADDY of all syndicates is SPECTRE, (Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion), but don’t be afraid to get creative yourself. Just pick an ominous sounding name, and the words will come.
There you go, you’re pretty much ready to be an ultra-villain. Do it right, and you’ll be up there with Francsico Scaramanga, Oddjob and Jaws. Get it wrong, and you’re just a Christopher Walken-shaped smear on the greatest film franchise of all time.
Good evening, Mr. Bond.
Deadliest Bond: Brosnan (76 kills, average of 19/movie)
Least deadly Bond: Lazenby (6 kills) or Dalton (5.5 kills/movie)
Most implicit beddings: Connery (9 women) or Lazenby/Dalton (2/movie)
Least implicit beddings: Lazenby (2 women) or Moore (1/movie)
Most explicit beddings: Moore (11 women, average of 1.57/movie)
Least explicit beddings: Dalton (big fat zero)
Horniest Bond: Moore (18, average 2.57/movie)
Least horny Bond: Dalton (4, average 2/movie)
Bond most believed dead: Moore (5 times) or Brosnan (.75/movie)
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