Data centres are repopulating across Ireland at a higher rate than the humans whose data they collect. How on Earth will we quench their immense thirst?
By the middle of 2024, there were 82 data centres operating in Ireland. Reporting at the end of the year revealed that on top of this figure, planning approval has been granted for the construction of 52 more.
In the first days of our new government (the same people as the last, just having swapped titles) some of the whispers leaking out of Leinster House had suggested that this number needed to increase dramatically if Ireland was to achieve its goal of ‘Global Datakeeper’. This morning the ambition became more clear cut when Housing-Minister-turned-Energy-Minister Darragh O’Brien stood proudly in the Dáil and declared his target ratio of “1 data centre per citizen of the country.” A data centre for everyone in the audience!
Met with rapturous applause across the Dáil chamber, Mr. O’Brien was clearly off to a flying start in his new cushy role. So short lived would this be, however, that it was just hours later when poor Darragh discovered data centres aren’t those weird ‘cloud storage’ spaces he had heard were up in the sky somewhere. In fact, as it turns out they are very down to Earth, now using more than 20% of our electricity grid’s supply per year.
Though, if you think that’s a heavy stat, you may be more interested again to hear just how thirsty these things are! Unfortunately the Energy Minister failed to gloss over the little piece in the Irish Times which noted “Large centres have the energy and water needs of a small city”.
As it happens, Ireland does not have a filtered water supply that can hydrate both the multiplying centres as well as the country’s selfishly thirsty people at the same time. Surely there could be no way to find a win-win on this, right?
Well, it was liquid for thought, but Minister O’Brien has mustered the most ingenious of solutions! Today Darragh has made a plea to the public to cut back on our water consumption so that we can keep the centres cool. The Department of Climate and Energy have since released a series of alternatives to water that one can simply sub into their daily lifestyle.
Instead of drinking the recommended 2 litres of this liquid gold per day, how about a refreshing 2 litres of milk? Not only would you be supporting struggling cattle farmers to make a small fortune, but just think of how strong your bones would be. Avoid long showers by granting yourself a nice weekly bath, and if you can, save the water in the tub for 2-3 weeks, just adding some new soap each time. As for your dishes, the Department advises you stock up on single-use disposable plates and cups, cutting out those wasteful few minutes of washing up that steal away your evening. Finally, washing machines are no more! Simply apply some light deodorant to your attire and leave them outside at the end of each day. It’s a return to our more primitive roots, and saves gallons of water a day for our state-of-the-art data centres.
If you do find yourself desperate for a drip of the good old H2O, the Minister has so considerately suggested that you can open your mouth if it rains and try to catch a few drops there. But no more than ten seconds per rainfall please – there’s no need to be greedy!
Darragh O’Brien did acknowledge the pressure this reduction of water consumption would put on working families across the country. However he says that if the government is to keep its promise of mass data centre production, “everyone will have to play their part.”
The Minister is excluded from this cutback on the medical grounds that if he doesn’t drink water, he will likely get a headache.
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