Get ready for the ultimate, most degenerate, most impure day of the year…COLLEGE CHRISTMAS! The days are ticking down and tickets are flying out, so strap in and get ready for a day to not remember.
This is your step-by-step guide to survive college Christmas.
9:00 A.M: Wake up, it’s time to get the fry on. After that, throw on a few Christmas Jingles, crack open a cold can and hop in the shower with a nice shower beer. Get yourself fresh for the day ahead of you.
9:30 A.M: I hope you’re already out of the house with your ugliest Christmas jumper on. Skipping and frolicking your way into the closest off-licence. Just be careful, the place is like Black Friday in there. Manic. Search for the best deal you can get your hands on and get out of there ASAP. (or head into Lidl for a cheeky €5 bottle of wine… very classy)
10:00 A.M: Head over to your mate’s accommodation and set up camp. If you have planned to do a Christmas dinner, please do so safely, if not… get that bottle into you. If there is a speaker at the function, your mate who only plays house music DOES NOT get control. If worried about noise complaints, invite your neighbours. The more the merrier!
10:30 A.M: The rest of your mates should all start arriving soon. It’s time for a second breakfast. Coco Pops with some Coors should go down a treat, or maybe Cookie Crisp if you’re wanting to treat yourself.
11:00 A.M: The tunes are blaring, drinks are flying, and the craic is being had. If you’re only arriving don’t be worried, we all know how Dublin City transport is at times. Don’t be going and necking all that vodka, the kitchen sink was just cleaned. You’ll catch up, don’t worry, there’s still plenty of time. Remember, it’s a marathon not a race.
12:00 P.M: Listen, we all go to college to study, and if you do have a lecture in the middle of the day… good luck with that poor soul because I will NOT be seeing you there.
1:00 P.M: Again, if you’re organised enough to have a Christmas meal, you may start getting tucked in. If not, get yourself out and stumble into the closest deli and order one of everything. Believe me: fatty, greasy food is your best friend.
2:00 P.M: After a good feast for lunch, it’s time for the most important part of the day. Have that tactical nap for God sakes please. For all the heavy weights rolling their eyes at the mere suggestion of a nap, enjoy bedtime at 9 P.M.
3:00P.M: Nap time!
4:00 P.M: Still should be sleeping.
4:30 P.M: Taking inspiration from the great Garren Noone you’ve had your quick nap and you’re ready for go. Get out of that bed and splash a bit of water on your face to freshen yourself up. The queues for the student bar have already started! Once you’re inside, you need to pull yourself together as the queue for drinks is warfare. All is fair in love and war.
5:00 P.M: You’re still in the queue my friend, I’m sorry. Only advice I would give is, when it’s finally time, order three of what you originally wanted. You deserve it, soldier.
6:30 P.M: Time to assemble the troops and head back to base to restock, you’re getting dry. I want you to stop for a second and take a look around all the different drunks there are in the room; the ‘I love you bro’ kind of guy, he’s always going to make you feel better. The lads who have decided to rob 3 traffic cones. That one guy who seems to always put people in a headlock…what’s up with that? Of course, you will always have that one friend who is the messiest drunk ever, dropping bottles, spilling drinks, and knocking into you. You’ve gotta love it.
8:00 P.M: Gather your bits, grab your drinking buddy, it’s time to head out. Kennedy’s in Drumcondra perhaps, or The Slipper would be class. Just get yourselves out into a pub. Any pub that looks lively and has good music playing, get in there and have a boogie.
9:00 P.M: This really separates the strong from the weak. You must persevere. It’s all a mental battle at the end of the day. Now is the time to maybe get yourself a pizza, portion of tenders or a battered sausage. Don’t go too heavy with it, you have to remember your stomach is full of drink.
10:30 P.M: Make caffeine your best friend. Vodka-Red Bull, Bailey’s coffee, anything to keep you awake.
11:30 P.M: If you have a ticket for a nightclub make sure you still have your drinking buddy or at least have someone you trust go in with you. This is where the creatures come out. If you don’t have a ticket for anywhere, my best advice would be to stay as long as you can with your mates in the pub until they ask you to leave.
2:00 A.M: If you are still alive and dancing by this point, you need to be tested. Wow, just wow. Anyway, the clubs are going to start ushering people out of the place any minute, you should take this as the perfect opportunity to get yourself into that chipper one last time. One special recommendation would be to throw yourself into Hot Chilli just at the end of Camden Street near Wexford Street and order a John Walshe special.
2:30 A.M: Flag down any taxi you can see, download Free Now, Uber – I don’t care how much it costs. I can assure you it will be worth it rather than staying in the queue for a number 15 bus that drives by because it’s ‘too full’.3:00 A.M: Go and receive your medal. You have seen the depths of hell and have clawed your way out; you looked death in the face and said ‘Not today’. You plonk yourself on that nice warm bed with your makeup/clothes half off and have the most well-deserved sleep of your life.