Dublin Pigeons: Funny Little Guys or Funny Little SPIES?

Finn McElwain

So we all know birds. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, the little jerks are everywhere you look in this city. Always watching, always on the lookout. The real question is, watching out for what?

I have been surveying these things for years now, and have come to the only conclusion that makes sense- spies. Note I said things there. Now in terms of birds at large, I’m not completely confident in their existence(YET), but Dublin’s pigeons are certainly nothing more than carefully constructed mechanisms, designed to observe our every move.

Now this is the point where you may dismiss me as crazy; everyone else has. My family, my friends, that one guy who feeds the pigeons by the lake- is nobody smart enough to see the obvious signs? Every aspect of their design screams ‘I was built in a factory’. To showcase this, let’s explore what one should be expected to have as a bird: wings, a nest and eggs are usually the constants. But upon examining these parameters, how does the pigeon do?

Now of course, the pigeon has wings. Even those foolish craftsmen could manage to fabricate that part. Simple motors I say. Now, the nest. I’m sure a lot of you have seen what a pigeon nest looks like, and needless to say, it’s not exactly up to code. I could make a better nest; no. These are not made to fit the functions of a nest. These are cheap farces, made to imitate the real thing. A handful of twigs on the floor won’t keep the eggs safe, which of course brings us to the last parameter: eggs. Have any of you seen a pigeon egg? I haven’t, and I’m certainly not going to google them(you never know where they’re monitoring us pigeon-truthers these days). Safe enough to assume they don’t exist, I reckon.

Even beyond these foolproof reasonings, one only has to focus on a pigeon to truly see its mechanics. The eyes are clearly cheap coloured glass orbs on swivels. The long neck? Obviously one of those IKEA lamps with a camera at the head instead of a light. And those talons could be any number of malleable materials- laughably easy to fabricate. Now, who is it peering at us through those glassy eyes? Could be anyone, from our government to bird seed companies seeing if we still believe in birds. Birds are invaluable to the bird seed companies you see. Either way, I fear for my safety, but not enough to cease investigation. The truth shall be revealed! Over and out.

The Hype Deputy Editor, Finn McElwain