What the hell do I do with all these new emoji?

Liam Coates

How I reacted when I heard there were new emoji, and how your 14-year-old niece reacted. (Image: Liam Coates)

With a tranche of new little cartoons – yes, even more – rolling out on our phones, I thought it would make sense to take a look and see where they fit into our lives.

An instant classic, this can be used in any situation you’re melting. We’ve all been there. Legend has it this was the last emoji sent by the Notre Dame.

Oh my! What a shock. Maybe you’ve just burped. Or – maybe that’s someone else’s hand. Now that puts a different spin on things. Use this one when being held hostage or when you have pioneered the digital burp.

Oh no. Please never send this to me, unless you’re trying to emphasise how asymmetrical your mouth is.

This is what the Sydney Opera House looked like in its rebellious teen years. That haircut never looked good on him. All joking aside, this is a type of Pokémon that hasn’t been identified yet. No, but seriously, it’s actually a floating sea crown. Okay, I actually have no idea what it is, use it if you dare.

How cool and space-age is this? I love coral even more now. When all the coral is dead and bleached, we’ll send each other these in black and white alongside the letter F to pay respects.

Okay, this one is weird. I can’t think of a reason to send this unless you were telling your hunter-gatherer dad what you wanted for breakfast and were too lazy to type. Maybe the all-powerful Hungry Ecologists Association lobbied for it.

Whoa! Look at all those hands. Every possible agreement is facilitated! But seriously, if you agree with someone so much you’re sending them a handshake emoji, they’re not going to quibble over skin tone. Just use all yellow, I say. Or don’t use it at all, it could cause quite a disagreement, ironically enough.

Please don’t use this. Who do you think you are? Remove that Pokémon from your head and come back down to Earth with the rest of us.

Hmm. I am flummoxed. It’s a sideways glass on a stand? Is it the Pixar lamp’s estranged brother? A mirror with a dark past? Honestly, I can’t work it out. Use this one if you want an aura of mystery about you.

This one’s useful if you want to show off how flush with kidneys you are to your drinking buddies. Oddly, there are no options for one or two, but I suppose if you have only one or two, you’ve nothing to show off.